Whooops. Looks like missed a chapter (err...forgot to link to it) on the Cash McMogulson Story. My Bad. Seems it was posted over a year ago. Seems in the mean time, he's gone from Katherine Harper's MySpace page to his own MySpace page. Haven't had a new story since Oct. 07.
LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON
"Cash's Rules of Engagement – Part 2"
Cash McMogulson III here. Yeah, I know, I know it's been a few months. Why?! Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but summer puts me in a bad mood because it's the end of blazer season. For all you losers not in real estate wearing corporate logo golf shirts and cheap ass suits to work, official blazer season is October to June. Sometimes September, when it's not so goddamn hot! Just so you know.
I'm not saying I don't look good in other stuff, because I do. I mean wait til you see the pictures of my brother's party. Do you know how rich you have to be to look good in seersucker? And no, I don't think seersucker is just for gay guys and four year olds. Fuck you! By the way, if my arm looks weird, it's because I had to make Mom cut out the DNF with fat arms that was next to me in the picture. Wanna know who it was?
ASHLEY ST. STANDARD. Yep. I didn't think it could happen, at least not to someone I went out with, but she's about to lose kitten status. I saw her at Banks' engagement party and I'd say she's put on at least 3 pounds if not 4. I'd rather sell one-bedroom houses with Banks than be in a picture with a fat girl -- even my ex-girlfriend! Speaking of that idiot, Banks still wants to get married. Yeah, I'm serious. That asshole makes more bad decisions than a cougar on Cuervo. After what happened at the party, I thought the wedding would be off for sure! But, I'm getting ahead of myself – here's the whole story…
So when my dad yelled at me and threatened to sell the Range Rover if I didn't show, I got pissed and called up Parkerton and Davis and told them to meet me at the Loon. I actually haven't seen Jefferson in a while. My dad doesn't like me doing deals with him since he slept with dad's girlfriend.
The party started at 7, and it was only 5, so we decided we'd have a few Loon drinks and talk about what hot chicks were going to be there. Potential ass is the only reason why guys go to parties anyway. Yeah, I know your boyfriend told you he "wanted to go" with you to that shower. But what he really meant was, he "wanted to go see if there were any chicks hotter than you." There probably were.
Unfortunately for us, this Mary Elizabeth Rich girl my brother is engaged to is NOT hot. And neither are most of her friends. First of all, her boobs are real. Secondly, her fucking thighs are as big as my deals. I bet she only works out 5 times a week. Her mom's big too – like 130!!! and you know that's a bad sign. And, get this, she wants to KEEP WORKING when they get married. I can't even talk about it. Mom's upset too. How's she supposed to get a fat girl with a job into the right clubs??
So we'd had a few, maybe six Loon drinks and I say to Turner, "I can't believe my brothers engaged. And to a fat girl. I mean McMogulsons do two things, they close deals and take down hot cougars. What the hell is he thinking?" And Turner is like, "Cash, dude, what the fuck is your problem tonight! She's not fat, she's not even big!"
Now, no one talks to me that way, unless it's my dad or the lawyer guy who manages my trust fund. So I look at Turner and I'm like, what the fuck do you know about big? I mean we've all seen the deals you've been working on lately. And those aren't big, and then there's your Range Rover……………oh wait…………SPORT!!! NOT big either!"
Then he grabbed my seersucker jacket collar and put like three wrinkles in it. I even had to refold my pocket square. That asshole. So all of a sudden, Jefferson, who never says anything anyway looks at his watch and he is like, "Um, Cash, I'd shut up about the Sport if I were you, cause' it's 8:30 – and if we don't get to that party your dad's gonna sell your car and cut you off."
Well, I was pretty drunk – but losing the Rover wasn't an option. So we closed out and headed to my parents house. I was hoping most of Mary's DNP and DNF friends would be gone by the time we got there so I didn't have to talk to them. But somehow, there were still tons of cars in the driveway – or maybe it just looked like that cause I was seeing two of everything. Not that that's always a bad thing – I mean it's double the cougs if you're in the right place!
So we walk in and there are a bunch of flowers and girl shit everywhere and I'm like where the hell is everyone. Then we head into the dining room and I guess when Banks said dinner, I didn't realize he meant fucking sitting-down-in-the-dining room-dinner! I thought he meant like girl party dinner with some salads and shit. AND to make matters worse, my seat was right between Banks and Ashley!!!
So I haven't even sat down for five seconds, and mom gets up and starts taking a bunch of pictures of me and Ashley. Like I said, she freaking loves Ashley 'cause they were in the same sorority. And I didn't even want to be in ONE picture with her, especially with the way she's been looking. So I hear Ashley say, "where is my toast?" and she's looking around and I was just trying to help her out, so I said, "Ash, seriously, I don't think you need toast right now I mean maybe you should try the low carb thing. My mom hasn't had any bread in 15 years and she's a smokin hot cougar!" Evidently that wasn't what she was talking about because she starts crying and runs to the bathroom.
Remember when I said it got a LOT worse from there?
Then Banks starts yelling at me and says, "She meant SPEECH you idiot, not fucking bread!" Like I was supposed to know. And I don't really remember much after that but according to Turner I said, "Look Banks, just because YOU are ok being with someone who's got a huge ass, doesn't mean that I have to be! It's like how you're ok with selling houses and driving a 2 year old car…"
I guess Mary took that wrong, because she started crying and told Banks she couldn't ever be married someone who was biologically related to me. Girls always get upset over nothing!!! So for now, it looks like the weddings off. As soon as Banks starts talking to me again, he's going to thank my ass! I'll let you know what happens – but since no one in my family is calling me back right now, I'm taking Jefferson and Turner to the lakehouse! It's our last big party of the summer – and we are going to blow it out. 5 days until blazer season, so all you cougars and kittens out there, get ready.