Best Mug Shots of 2008

This is #2, and I think it should be #1, but I can't really argue with their choice.



The Smoking Gun

It really is worth flipping through them to see the rest. You'll laugh.

40 of the Best Photos of 2008

Ah yes, end of the year lists. Guess it's about this time. Anyways, how official or rep Boston.com carries, but there are some pretty neat pictures in this list.

Here's #1.




# 40


Here's a link to the rest. Some pretty great stuff.

Boston.com

Shuttle Takeoff Pictures

(Not an actual launch)

A continuation from yesterday, as the shuttle continued it's trip back to Florida.






















Star Telegram's Article - Endeavour soars from Fort Worth runway

I'll mess with the order later

Pictures of the Space Shuttle

The Space Shuttle (riding on the back of a custom 747) made a pit stop here in Fort Worth today on it's way back to Kennedy Space Center. I was lucky enough to see it land and take a few pictures.

Enjoy!










Pretty cool that you can look outside your office window and see the freaking space shuttle.

By the way, those are the only pictures I'm "allowed to have" that don't have other planes in them.  But that's between you and me...

Star Telegram's Story

Stars Game

Monster seats from "Tickets Now" the 2nd hand site from Ticketmaster.

Row G.... 7 rows up from the glass, right by the face off spot.

Here are some shitty pics from the iPhone, also known as the 3rd fucking time I forgot my good camera. Why did I even buy the damn thing?

Closeup of a face off.  Great seats.

Zamboni....as fun to type as it is to say.

Hot fan in front of us.  She's a Avs fan.  I'm ok with that.

This was the game winning save.

Can't remember if the Stars scored or not.

The Ice Girls.  If you look closely, the ice is melting.  If you look closer, by brother's got his camera phone out too.  We missed getting a picture of the hot brunette.

Shootout

Roosters on Ice...

Another shot of the faceoff. 

Who is that sexy guy?

Here's the last know picture of me and my Aggie Ring. MIA 12/6/2008

Snuck into the locker room to sneak a pic.  at&t was kind enough to sponsor it.

Another SNL Digital Short

Here's another SNL Digital Short that's pretty funny. "Jizz in my Pants".

Does anybody actually watch the show anymore. I don't. If anything funny happens, it gets posted to the interwebs almost immediately.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Joe's Bad Day - Man Gets Bit by Deer and Dog - 911 Call

This helped cheer me up, since I'm at work today. Warning! Language is NSFW!

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON

Whooops. Looks like missed a chapter (err...forgot to link to it) on the Cash McMogulson Story. My Bad. Seems it was posted over a year ago. Seems in the mean time, he's gone from Katherine Harper's MySpace page to his own MySpace page. Haven't had a new story since Oct. 07.
************************************************************************************
LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON
Chapter 6
"Cash's Rules of Engagement – Part 2"
Cash McMogulson III here. Yeah, I know, I know it's been a few months. Why?! Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but summer puts me in a bad mood because it's the end of blazer season. For all you losers not in real estate wearing corporate logo golf shirts and cheap ass suits to work, official blazer season is October to June. Sometimes September, when it's not so goddamn hot! Just so you know.
I'm not saying I don't look good in other stuff, because I do. I mean wait til you see the pictures of my brother's party. Do you know how rich you have to be to look good in seersucker? And no, I don't think seersucker is just for gay guys and four year olds. Fuck you! By the way, if my arm looks weird, it's because I had to make Mom cut out the DNF with fat arms that was next to me in the picture. Wanna know who it was?
ASHLEY ST. STANDARD. Yep. I didn't think it could happen, at least not to someone I went out with, but she's about to lose kitten status. I saw her at Banks' engagement party and I'd say she's put on at least 3 pounds if not 4. I'd rather sell one-bedroom houses with Banks than be in a picture with a fat girl -- even my ex-girlfriend! Speaking of that idiot, Banks still wants to get married. Yeah, I'm serious. That asshole makes more bad decisions than a cougar on Cuervo. After what happened at the party, I thought the wedding would be off for sure! But, I'm getting ahead of myself – here's the whole story…
So when my dad yelled at me and threatened to sell the Range Rover if I didn't show, I got pissed and called up Parkerton and Davis and told them to meet me at the Loon. I actually haven't seen Jefferson in a while. My dad doesn't like me doing deals with him since he slept with dad's girlfriend.
The party started at 7, and it was only 5, so we decided we'd have a few Loon drinks and talk about what hot chicks were going to be there. Potential ass is the only reason why guys go to parties anyway. Yeah, I know your boyfriend told you he "wanted to go" with you to that shower. But what he really meant was, he "wanted to go see if there were any chicks hotter than you." There probably were.
Unfortunately for us, this Mary Elizabeth Rich girl my brother is engaged to is NOT hot. And neither are most of her friends. First of all, her boobs are real. Secondly, her fucking thighs are as big as my deals. I bet she only works out 5 times a week. Her mom's big too – like 130!!! and you know that's a bad sign. And, get this, she wants to KEEP WORKING when they get married. I can't even talk about it. Mom's upset too. How's she supposed to get a fat girl with a job into the right clubs??
So we'd had a few, maybe six Loon drinks and I say to Turner, "I can't believe my brothers engaged. And to a fat girl. I mean McMogulsons do two things, they close deals and take down hot cougars. What the hell is he thinking?" And Turner is like, "Cash, dude, what the fuck is your problem tonight! She's not fat, she's not even big!"
Now, no one talks to me that way, unless it's my dad or the lawyer guy who manages my trust fund. So I look at Turner and I'm like, what the fuck do you know about big? I mean we've all seen the deals you've been working on lately. And those aren't big, and then there's your Range Rover……………oh wait…………SPORT!!! NOT big either!"
Then he grabbed my seersucker jacket collar and put like three wrinkles in it. I even had to refold my pocket square. That asshole. So all of a sudden, Jefferson, who never says anything anyway looks at his watch and he is like, "Um, Cash, I'd shut up about the Sport if I were you, cause' it's 8:30 – and if we don't get to that party your dad's gonna sell your car and cut you off."
Well, I was pretty drunk – but losing the Rover wasn't an option. So we closed out and headed to my parents house. I was hoping most of Mary's DNP and DNF friends would be gone by the time we got there so I didn't have to talk to them. But somehow, there were still tons of cars in the driveway – or maybe it just looked like that cause I was seeing two of everything. Not that that's always a bad thing – I mean it's double the cougs if you're in the right place!
So we walk in and there are a bunch of flowers and girl shit everywhere and I'm like where the hell is everyone. Then we head into the dining room and I guess when Banks said dinner, I didn't realize he meant fucking sitting-down-in-the-dining room-dinner! I thought he meant like girl party dinner with some salads and shit. AND to make matters worse, my seat was right between Banks and Ashley!!!
So I haven't even sat down for five seconds, and mom gets up and starts taking a bunch of pictures of me and Ashley. Like I said, she freaking loves Ashley 'cause they were in the same sorority. And I didn't even want to be in ONE picture with her, especially with the way she's been looking. So I hear Ashley say, "where is my toast?" and she's looking around and I was just trying to help her out, so I said, "Ash, seriously, I don't think you need toast right now I mean maybe you should try the low carb thing. My mom hasn't had any bread in 15 years and she's a smokin hot cougar!" Evidently that wasn't what she was talking about because she starts crying and runs to the bathroom.
Remember when I said it got a LOT worse from there?
Then Banks starts yelling at me and says, "She meant SPEECH you idiot, not fucking bread!" Like I was supposed to know. And I don't really remember much after that but according to Turner I said, "Look Banks, just because YOU are ok being with someone who's got a huge ass, doesn't mean that I have to be! It's like how you're ok with selling houses and driving a 2 year old car…"
I guess Mary took that wrong, because she started crying and told Banks she couldn't ever be married someone who was biologically related to me. Girls always get upset over nothing!!! So for now, it looks like the weddings off. As soon as Banks starts talking to me again, he's going to thank my ass! I'll let you know what happens – but since no one in my family is calling me back right now, I'm taking Jefferson and Turner to the lakehouse! It's our last big party of the summer – and we are going to blow it out. 5 days until blazer season, so all you cougars and kittens out there, get ready.
CMIII

Is This Me?

It's the new Avatars that Xbox makes you create when they released their new system update yesterday.

What do you think? The choices are a little limited right now. I may need to make my skin darker, but I think I'm pretty close. My hair is not quite that long, but it's the closest I could get.

Also, please excuse the queer pose, as that's the only pose those things have.

Selling stuff on Ebay...

Exciting Stuff.

Here's a LINK to my first item I'm trying to sell on Ebay. 120 GB Hard Drive for the 360.

Started it last night at $.99 (not sure that was a good move as it was the default) and it's moving up pretty quickly.


Editors Note: Ended up selling for $145.50. Not too bad. Now I'm waiting for his "e-check" to clear before I send it.

Started my next auction...same item, soon after it ended. Going good soo far. Had some pretty dumb questions though. If I say I only ship to the US on the auction, why do you email me asking if I will ship to Brazil? I may do it, but outrageously overcharge him, just on principle. The "buy it now" price is pretty prominent on there, why do you email me asking how much it is? Bah....must be new to Ebay.

Xbox 360 on the Fritz

Again. At least I got to finish Gears 2, which was excellent by the way.

Fuck you Microsoft for making a shitty system.

The Badger Song

So far, this is the greatest thing I've seen all week, and that's even with me playing Gears of War 2 most of the week.

Tell me what you think of this video.

By the way, if you hear me randomly blurt out, "Mushroom! Mushroom!", you know where it came from.

You've been warned.

I Slapped It a Couple of Times....

like I had to tell it twice, and it came back to life.

Thanks to this blog post and the comments that followed it. I was on the verge of opening up the iPod and tinkering with it and seeing if I could buy a new 1.8" hard drive when I read about the slap method. I took a shot as it's already out of warranty and BOOM, POW, SURPRISE! it's working.

Fucking Awesome.


Let's see how long this lasts....

...Apparently not long. I can navigate the menus, but it won't play anything. Reset Time.

And it works....for now. Let's see what happens when I take it home and sync it.

Rocknrolla

You need to see this if you liked Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels and Snatch. It's another good British Crime Thriller. It's also pretty freaking funny.

Also, from the movie, comes this song, Rock and Roll Queen from The Subways. It's featured pretty prominently in the movie, and in the trailers (which oddly enough, I haven't seen in a while). Anyways, here's the video I found on Youtube. I'm off to go look for the entire album. Not sure if I go with the movie soundtrack, or their album.





After a little research, it turns out I have this song already. Twice in fact, once from The O.C. Mix 5 and the other one is from an Ultimate fan made O.C. mix. Ooops. I still may have to get their albums anyway.

A funny...

This made me laugh. Have a good weekend!

Thought this was Funny

...and appropriate for today. Laugh now (or not, it's not that great)....cause you may not be able to later.


Edit: Sonuvabitch! You can't see the full picture in IE6 (it's a work computer and they won't let me update it cause of instability with some other programs) and Chrome (yea, I have this one for browsing so I don't have to update IE..get it?) without clicking on it. So click on it.

You Dumb Bitch

Rejected Yankee Stadium Memories

Part 1 (This one's good)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 2 (I laughed....)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 3 (This one's the worst....just letting you know)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 4 (Pretty good...)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Part 5 (eh...it's ok)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Thriller (Long Vers.)

Looks like MTV has started up a new site where you can see every video they've ever had. Guess this is the only way we'll get music from MTV. Take what we can get. I've been using YouTube for this, but these seem to be of higher quality and you don't have to sort through the bullshit fan made stuff.

Let's watch Thriller....cause it's the shit.

Michael Jackson |MTV Music

"He made Thriller Yo, Thriller."

Gears of War 2

So if you're gonna buy a video game, and they offer a free gift if you preorder, then it makes sense to go ahead and put your 5 bucks down right?




I'm sure this will be a piece of shit, but what the hell. I'll play with it for about a day before it breaks.

30 Rock Season 3!

Watch it now on Hulu. I know I did. Work be damned.

Then watch it again next week.

Tracy: "Sales of my video game are through the rizz-noof!"
Jenna: "So, how far through the rizz-noof are they?"
Dot Com: "Whoa, that's not slang. He actually has a speech impediment."


Tracy: "No, I think I did do it alone. And this check: is the priz-noof."
Dot Com: "Now that was just him being obnoxious."

The Dark Knight Meets Superman

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I thought this was pretty funny, being a Dark Knight fan.

Can't wait to get Dark Knight on Blu Ray. Guess the bootleg will have to hold me over. May be time for another viewing.

Probably the Grossest Thing I've Ever Read...

...and yet I couldn't stop. It's a short story called Guts by Chuck Palahniuk

Printed in Playboy magazine
March 2004

Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can.

This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was thirteen years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkstand, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So, my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them.

That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "Spirit of the Stairway." In French: Esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party…

As you start down the stairway, then -- magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That's the Spirit of the Stairway.

The trouble is even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around the kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look… better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad, teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how -- the day before -- he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ball-point pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally re-invented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and more rough, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking off, I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each handful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my Mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, thinking she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father AND the uncle.

In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sitting on it.

As the French would say: Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked?

Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute, I'm settling on the pool bottom, and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow-striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped football practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute, I've got enough air, and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch another big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bottom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls.

It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about EVERYTHING.

Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Getting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat inside my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and criss-crossing my eyes, I turn and look back… but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue-white and braided with veins has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding onto my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue-white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So… I kick at it, at the slippery, rubbery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butthole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse-pill vitamin my Dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega-three fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call, prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working - unraveling my insides -- until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit, and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctor's call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unraveling out my ass, me holding onto what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow-striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lamb-skin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then, try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lamb-skin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second, and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim, and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital thirteen years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen telephone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow-striped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say: "I need that like I need a hole in my head…" Russian people say: "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole…"

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell… even if you're Russian, some day you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is -- you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air, and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night.

If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trouble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my Mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me…

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resectioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inches. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was thirteen.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swimming pool. In the end my Dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vitamin pill still inside, even then, my Dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my Dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second…"

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never mentioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.

I still have not.

End

New John Legend

Started listening to this today....finally bootlegged it last night (yes I'm buying the album when it comes out)

So far...so good. It's a bit different from his previous 2 albums. It's definitely got Kanye's fingerprints on it. Pretty radio friendly, so expect to hear more songs on the radio from this album. Greenlight was good, but I think there are definitely more singles they could pull off this.

Great Mark Wahlberg Impression

...no it's not really that random, as it was posted on WWTDD today.

Andy Samberg does a pretty damn awesome Mark Wahlberg impression.

It's dead on.

The Jordan Rules - First Impressions

Jordan was a bit of an asshole. By "bit", I mean he was a huge ego driven asshole. Almost like a bully. Funny to hear what he really thinks about his teammates, coaches (he really never liked anybody but his first coach). He didn't think anybody could actually play.

Finished

Took me about a week, but it's done. Finished late last night...er...early this morning. I forget what the time was.

It's a great book and a hilarious read. The antics are ridiculous.

Some impressions:

I now know where the "Troy Aikman is Gay" rumors started.

I didn't realize that Jimmy really didn't want Emmit, wasn't sold on Troy and was close to cutting Irvin.

They actually give the address of the infamous "White House".

Definitely recommended read.

Wildcard Bitches!

Always Sunny started Season 4 on Thursday with 2 great episodes. Here's a clip from the 2nd episode, "The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis" which had me rolling, especially this clip.

You should definitely check it out. Highly, highly, highly recommended.

Found it.

The next book I've got to buy.

Some highlights:

1. Irvin was THE hardest working member and soul of the 90s Cowboys. He also was an alduterer, drug abuser, etc. But no matter what, he showed up early for practice and always delivered during games. His sexploitations are legendary.

2. Jones and Johnson were never really that close. This surprised me somewhat.

3. Charles Haley is/was psychotic.

4. Kenny Gant would be a cool person to hang out with.

5. Kevin Smith was a trash-talker, and should actually be given credit for "The Shark" dance.

6. Emmitt was more of a D-bag than most people realize.

7. Charles Haley is PSYCHOTIC.

Read this for some more exerts and snippets.

Hurricane Ike - Bear Visits Galveston

I love the fact that the camera man just stayed on the bear.

Jack Bauer Takes on Africa

Hopefully, this will wash away the nasty taste of Season 6 (although the year off really helped) and get me excited again for 24 and Season 7 in January (it has)!

Quantum of Solace Trailer # 2

This is shaping up to be just as bad ass as Casino Royale.

November can't get here soon enough.

Still think the name's kinda dumb though, although it is growing on me.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) - Red Band Trailer [HD QUALITY] Seth Rogen

This looks hilarious.

It's the redband trailer, so NSFW.

Awesome

That will probably do it for today. I'm thinking Railhead for lunch. Or Dutch's.