Your Daily Dose of Cyanide 8/1/09

Find more HERE. I laughed at this. I hope you do to (actually, I don't care)

Texts From Last Night

Another genius site that is in the same vain as Secret Tweet, Imsobadatsex, and Fmylife

Texts From Last Night

Hilarious stuff.

After reading this site, I've realized 2 things.

1) My life isn't cool enough

2) I need to find a way to implement some of my ideas and make them a reality.

3)

4) Profit.

I hope this site gets you through the end of the day. It's helped me.

My New Addictions

For the past few days, I've been reading 2 sites any chance I get. 

Secret Tweet

SecretTweet was created to allow Twitter users to share secrets anonymously.

...and holy shit some of these are a doozie. Examples:

• If I have an abortion, I'll never know which of my married lovers had an unsuccessful vasectomy.

• I am in love with my (male) best friend. He thinks I'm a lesbian. In truth, so did I, until I met him.

• My wife wanted to be a swinger, so I let her have sex with my best friend, but when I finally get a chance, she wants it to be over...

  
  

F*** My Life - "My life sucks but I don't give a fuck"


These "confessions" are more along the line of embarrassing stories from your life.
Examples:

• Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
  

• Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML
  

• Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML
  

• Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

• Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML
  

• Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

There good for a laugh...and they make your life seem less lame. Not my life though, I'm awesome.

Jay-Z + Radiohead

Brings you Jaydiohead by Minty Fresh Beats


Go to the site, download it. It's free. It's a mash up (yea, I thought we were done with the Jay's Black album mashups), but this is just as good as Dangermouse Grey Album.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON

Whooops. Looks like missed a chapter (err...forgot to link to it) on the Cash McMogulson Story. My Bad. Seems it was posted over a year ago. Seems in the mean time, he's gone from Katherine Harper's MySpace page to his own MySpace page. Haven't had a new story since Oct. 07.
************************************************************************************
LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON
Chapter 6
"Cash's Rules of Engagement – Part 2"
Cash McMogulson III here. Yeah, I know, I know it's been a few months. Why?! Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but summer puts me in a bad mood because it's the end of blazer season. For all you losers not in real estate wearing corporate logo golf shirts and cheap ass suits to work, official blazer season is October to June. Sometimes September, when it's not so goddamn hot! Just so you know.
I'm not saying I don't look good in other stuff, because I do. I mean wait til you see the pictures of my brother's party. Do you know how rich you have to be to look good in seersucker? And no, I don't think seersucker is just for gay guys and four year olds. Fuck you! By the way, if my arm looks weird, it's because I had to make Mom cut out the DNF with fat arms that was next to me in the picture. Wanna know who it was?
ASHLEY ST. STANDARD. Yep. I didn't think it could happen, at least not to someone I went out with, but she's about to lose kitten status. I saw her at Banks' engagement party and I'd say she's put on at least 3 pounds if not 4. I'd rather sell one-bedroom houses with Banks than be in a picture with a fat girl -- even my ex-girlfriend! Speaking of that idiot, Banks still wants to get married. Yeah, I'm serious. That asshole makes more bad decisions than a cougar on Cuervo. After what happened at the party, I thought the wedding would be off for sure! But, I'm getting ahead of myself – here's the whole story…
So when my dad yelled at me and threatened to sell the Range Rover if I didn't show, I got pissed and called up Parkerton and Davis and told them to meet me at the Loon. I actually haven't seen Jefferson in a while. My dad doesn't like me doing deals with him since he slept with dad's girlfriend.
The party started at 7, and it was only 5, so we decided we'd have a few Loon drinks and talk about what hot chicks were going to be there. Potential ass is the only reason why guys go to parties anyway. Yeah, I know your boyfriend told you he "wanted to go" with you to that shower. But what he really meant was, he "wanted to go see if there were any chicks hotter than you." There probably were.
Unfortunately for us, this Mary Elizabeth Rich girl my brother is engaged to is NOT hot. And neither are most of her friends. First of all, her boobs are real. Secondly, her fucking thighs are as big as my deals. I bet she only works out 5 times a week. Her mom's big too – like 130!!! and you know that's a bad sign. And, get this, she wants to KEEP WORKING when they get married. I can't even talk about it. Mom's upset too. How's she supposed to get a fat girl with a job into the right clubs??
So we'd had a few, maybe six Loon drinks and I say to Turner, "I can't believe my brothers engaged. And to a fat girl. I mean McMogulsons do two things, they close deals and take down hot cougars. What the hell is he thinking?" And Turner is like, "Cash, dude, what the fuck is your problem tonight! She's not fat, she's not even big!"
Now, no one talks to me that way, unless it's my dad or the lawyer guy who manages my trust fund. So I look at Turner and I'm like, what the fuck do you know about big? I mean we've all seen the deals you've been working on lately. And those aren't big, and then there's your Range Rover……………oh wait…………SPORT!!! NOT big either!"
Then he grabbed my seersucker jacket collar and put like three wrinkles in it. I even had to refold my pocket square. That asshole. So all of a sudden, Jefferson, who never says anything anyway looks at his watch and he is like, "Um, Cash, I'd shut up about the Sport if I were you, cause' it's 8:30 – and if we don't get to that party your dad's gonna sell your car and cut you off."
Well, I was pretty drunk – but losing the Rover wasn't an option. So we closed out and headed to my parents house. I was hoping most of Mary's DNP and DNF friends would be gone by the time we got there so I didn't have to talk to them. But somehow, there were still tons of cars in the driveway – or maybe it just looked like that cause I was seeing two of everything. Not that that's always a bad thing – I mean it's double the cougs if you're in the right place!
So we walk in and there are a bunch of flowers and girl shit everywhere and I'm like where the hell is everyone. Then we head into the dining room and I guess when Banks said dinner, I didn't realize he meant fucking sitting-down-in-the-dining room-dinner! I thought he meant like girl party dinner with some salads and shit. AND to make matters worse, my seat was right between Banks and Ashley!!!
So I haven't even sat down for five seconds, and mom gets up and starts taking a bunch of pictures of me and Ashley. Like I said, she freaking loves Ashley 'cause they were in the same sorority. And I didn't even want to be in ONE picture with her, especially with the way she's been looking. So I hear Ashley say, "where is my toast?" and she's looking around and I was just trying to help her out, so I said, "Ash, seriously, I don't think you need toast right now I mean maybe you should try the low carb thing. My mom hasn't had any bread in 15 years and she's a smokin hot cougar!" Evidently that wasn't what she was talking about because she starts crying and runs to the bathroom.
Remember when I said it got a LOT worse from there?
Then Banks starts yelling at me and says, "She meant SPEECH you idiot, not fucking bread!" Like I was supposed to know. And I don't really remember much after that but according to Turner I said, "Look Banks, just because YOU are ok being with someone who's got a huge ass, doesn't mean that I have to be! It's like how you're ok with selling houses and driving a 2 year old car…"
I guess Mary took that wrong, because she started crying and told Banks she couldn't ever be married someone who was biologically related to me. Girls always get upset over nothing!!! So for now, it looks like the weddings off. As soon as Banks starts talking to me again, he's going to thank my ass! I'll let you know what happens – but since no one in my family is calling me back right now, I'm taking Jefferson and Turner to the lakehouse! It's our last big party of the summer – and we are going to blow it out. 5 days until blazer season, so all you cougars and kittens out there, get ready.
CMIII

Thriller (Long Vers.)

Looks like MTV has started up a new site where you can see every video they've ever had. Guess this is the only way we'll get music from MTV. Take what we can get. I've been using YouTube for this, but these seem to be of higher quality and you don't have to sort through the bullshit fan made stuff.

Let's watch Thriller....cause it's the shit.

Michael Jackson |MTV Music

"He made Thriller Yo, Thriller."

Discovered a New Site

...for you to waste your time on it. It involves reading though (I know that excludes like 3/4 of you who are just here for the pictures.

The Foggy Monocle seems to be a site where people post their instant messanger conversations. Found the site thanks to Film Drunk. Anyways, here's the conversation.

B

atGirl: OMG OMG OMG, i’m so glad you’re back in town
CatWoman: me too! what have you been doing without me?
BatGirl: oh wow. what a loaded question.
BatGirl: so, that guy
BatGirl: the friend of the friend, with the creepy moustache?
CatWoman: yeah? the one you met at Anton’s* place?
BatGirl: hahahahaha. yes. vladimer*.
BatGirl: so, he finally got the balls to ask me out on a proper date
CatWoman: way to finally man up..
BatGirl: and, seeing as my love life has been lackluster of late, to say the least
BatGirl: i agreed.
CatWoman: what did he plan for you kids?
BatGirl: we went to see the dark knight.
CatWoman: typical… blahhhhh
BatGirl: christian bale….heath ledger…i could think of worst things
BatGirl: followed by drinks and lively conversation
BatGirl: and more drinks
BatGirl: i believe irish car bombs were involved. which never lead to good decisions.
CatWoman: they call it a bomb for a reason
BatGirl: oh god yeah they do
BatGirl: so, a few dozen drinks later
BatGirl: and going back to vladimer’s place doesn’t seem like a bad idea
BatGirl: creepy moustache and all
CatWoman: did it tickle?
BatGirl: yes.

BatGirl: now, i should preempt the following segment of the story by saying that he really loved the dark knight.
BatGirl: like, REALLY loved the dark knight.
CatWoman: yeah, most people do
BatGirl: i thought nothing of it, i enjoy a good comic book movie like the next gal
CatWoman: word
BatGirl: but, his apartment may or may not have been a shrine to Marvel
BatGirl: which i only vaguely remember due to aforementioned bombs.
CatWoman: oh dear…
BatGirl: so, things get going. you know i’m not shy in these matters
BatGirl: at some point, i JOKINGLY reference batman, or something of that nature
BatGirl: which really got him going. this should have been a warning signal.
BatGirl: at this point, things took a terrible turn….let’s just say a mask was involved (which I wore), and a cape (which he wore)
CatWoman: holy car bombs, batman!
BatGirl: hahahahaha
CatWoman: wait, was there spandex involved in this “game”?
BatGirl: oh god. i don’t even know if i want to keep talking about it.
CatWoman: what’s the scenario here?
BatGirl: now you’re just being crass.
CatWoman: i HAVE to know now…
BatGirl: a batlady doesn’t tell
BatGirl: hold on, gotta open the door downstairs for someone.
CatWoman: noooooooooooooooo…
CatWoman: you can’t keep me in suspense like this
BatGirl: hahahahaha, that’s appropriate given the situation
BatGirl: so, it was basically comic-con 08
BatGirl: comic-cum 08, maybe.
BatGirl: jesus, did i just say that?
BatGirl: i’m so ashamed.
CatWoman: Dayam!
CatWoman: so does that mean there’s going to be date numero dos in the future?
BatGirl: yeah, when gotham city freezes over
CatWoman: Oh

Which, after reading this, makes me ponder the idea of growing a mustache. Not a weak as 'stache like Pedro from Napolean, but like a full blown porn 'stache like Mark Spitz or something. (Weird reference I know, but I'm on Olympics withdrawl)

Enjoy the site.

Scouraging the internets....so you don't have to.

Something's Wrong With Me

(...besides the obvious you jerk)

I think I'm at the point where you've had so little sleep, that things become hilarious. Anyways, there's three things I've been laughing at all morning.

2 of them are youtube clips.

1st.




2nd.



That one's not as funny, but I still laughed my ass off....mainly because the old man just rides the escalator up.

Now this next one is not really that funny, but pretty cool. I kinda want to try it.



3rd thing here...

Actually here it its. It's a picture.



I think you may need a link to a message board to get the full extent of the funny on that one. Here you go.

Now, is it funny or is it just the lack of sleep/early hours?

Now that I think of it, I really should go back and finish updating the posts I have in "draft mode". I know...you're excited.

Smart Ass Australians

Email I got about Australian tourism, These are their answers

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machin es) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Ca n I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

______________ ____________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Men Are Better Than Women

If you're bored, can't sleep or got Lumberged into working weird fucking hours with no end in sight...

Men Are Better Than Women, by Dick Masterson

There are some real gems in there. Pretty amusing stuff.

Much better than the site my friend tole me about a few weeks ago Stuff White People Like which he thought was hilarious. But what does he know... I think he's partially retarded. At least that would explain some of his decisions.


Edited for punctuation....

WTF?!?!

Blank blog post here....not sure what happened. Was I going to write something insightful or did I just f this up? Maybe I just need a place to upload the funniest clip of...well this week. I'm sure a new one will replace it soon. The picture is just a tease...cause that's how you like it...don't you bitch. Yea...that's what I thought. If you think about it...what she's saying is probably pretty close to the title of this post.




Click for the full gif

South Park You Tube Fight Cheat Sheet

Samwell - "What What (In the Butt)" - http://youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

"Chocolate Rain" Original Song by Tay Zonday - http://youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA

Numa Numa (the Maiyahi guy) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o

Afro Ninja (originally made famous through eBaum's even though he's a dick) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=BEtIoGQxqQs

Star Wars Kid - http://youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU

Cute Sneezing Panda - http://youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk

Dramatic Look Gopher - http://youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40

Leave Britney Alone! (Chris Crocker) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

Laughing Baby - http://youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

(These guys are sitting in the chairs in the background....they don't do much) Chinese Backstreet Boys - That Way - http://youtube.com/watch?v=N2rZxCrb7iU

(F if I know who the hell this is.....somebody said they were in the there) Bubb Rubb (Whistle Tip, WHOOO!!! original video circa. 2003) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=ccgXjA2BLEY

(I think she's the random girl sitting in the background of the lobby)lonelygirl15 profile on YouTube (R.I.P. Jess-- I mean, Bree) - http://youtube.com/profile?user=lonelygirl15

So what is the normal price to pay for sex then?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! Montan's all kinds of fucked up.

If You Need Cheering Up...

Do all babies do this, cause I could be on board for that. How would this ever get old?

(Yes, this is the baby from the AIG commercial and not the South Park episode from 4/2...so what?)

Another Case of the White Man Holding the Brown Man Down!

1. Dirty Garza

While doing a girl doggy style the man's free hands are stealing money out of her purse.
When I lost my wallet on vacation I had to give this chick a Dirty Garza just to pay for my drinks for the rest of the week.

Sonuvabitch! That's all I really have to say.

Thanks to my krakas ass friend Steven for pointing this one out. Bet you laughed your ass off when you first read this, didn't you?!?

What's Scarier?

Option A:

News Story



Option #2:

I like this

It's easy and fun and yet hard to master. Worth your while if you're bored at work.

Bloxorz Get the block to fall into the square hole.

Play this free game now!!

Quick Question

Are You Cool?


It said I was. Honest, it did. 1st try.

Slapbet Countdown

Holy Shit! It's a real website.

Shoot...Me...Now

What's worse, my score on this test, or the fact that I took the time to take the test?